Sending flowers when someone has lost a loved one is one of the kindest, and most universal, ways of showing you care — but it's also one of the moments people feel least sure about getting right. Over the years I've had this conversation hundreds of times in the shop, so here's the guidance I actually give people, without any of the stiffness you sometimes find in etiquette guides.
Wreath, Spray, or Bouquet — What's the Difference?
These three are the ones people most often mix up, and there's no need to overthink it:
- A wreath is circular, traditionally symbolising eternal life, and is most often sent by close family — though it's increasingly used more broadly too. It sits well on the coffin or beside it at the crematorium or graveside.
- A spray is a more structured, one-sided arrangement, usually in a teardrop or fan shape, designed to sit flat on top of the coffin or lean against something at the service. This is a common choice from close family.
- A bouquet or posy tends to be sent by friends, colleagues, or wider family, and is less formal — it can be handed to the family directly, sent to the house, or, especially for smaller funerals, left at the service.
If you're genuinely unsure which is expected, it's completely fine to call the funeral director or the family and simply ask what they'd find helpful — nobody will think it's an odd question.
Check the Family's Wishes First
Many families now ask for donations to a charity "in lieu of flowers," and it's worth checking the order of service, obituary or funeral notice before ordering, as this is usually stated clearly. If donations are requested but you'd still like to send something small and personal, a modest posy addressed to the family at home (rather than the funeral itself) is a lovely, low-key alternative.
What Different Flowers Traditionally Mean
You certainly don't need to know flower symbolism to send something appropriate, but a few meanings come up often enough that it's nice to know them:
- White lilies — the most traditional funeral flower, associated with peace and the restored innocence of the soul.
- Red roses — love and respect, more often sent by immediate family or a partner.
- White roses — reverence, and a gentler alternative to red for wider family or friends.
- Chrysanthemums — in the UK associated with sympathy and grief, though it's worth knowing they carry a more celebratory meaning in some other cultures, so it's worth checking if the family has a specific cultural background.
- Rosemary — remembrance, often included as a foliage note within an arrangement rather than as a standalone flower.
None of this is a strict rulebook — plenty of families simply ask for "her favourite flowers," which is always a lovely, personal alternative to any of the above.
What to Write on the Card
Keep it simple and sincere rather than trying to find a perfect phrase. Something like "With deepest sympathy," "Thinking of you all at this difficult time," or, if you knew them personally, a short specific memory works beautifully — "So grateful for [name]'s kindness over the years" says more than a generic verse ever could. Sign it clearly with your name (and how you knew them, if the family might not immediately place you), so they know who to thank later.
Timing — When to Send
Funeral flowers are usually ordered to arrive at the funeral director's or venue in time for the service itself, so it's worth ordering as early as you can once you know the date — a few days' notice gives us time to make something beautiful by hand rather than rushing. If you'd rather send something for afterwards, a bouquet delivered to the family's home a week or two later, when visitors have quietened down, can be an equally thoughtful gesture.
It's Always Alright to Ask
Whatever the situation, whether it's your first time arranging funeral flowers or your tenth, we're always happy to talk it through on the phone — what's appropriate, what the family has asked for, and what will fit the service. There's no such thing as a silly question when it comes to getting this right.
We handle funeral flowers for families across Denby Dale, Huddersfield and Barnsley with care and sensitivity, working closely with local funeral directors.
See Our Funeral Flowers